Friends are those people who you tolerate even when they can’t remember simple instructions like, “Skim milk, 2 shots, and half a packet of Splenda.” I’d still like to know why I can’t be friends with someone who takes offense at silly little jibes at a weight problem or friendly observations of noxious odors. When I ask “What, are you going to cry now?” I’m literally interested in an answer to that question. I’m not sure what I’ll do with that information, but at least I’ll know!
For untold millions, friends hold the key to happiness in life and perceived social success. Sadly, there is precious little evidence to demonstrate that level of value in friendships. Don’t misunderstand me, I appreciate friends just as much as anyone else, but I don’t mistake a friend for an accomplishment.
Still, I have to wonder why I can’t always manage to be friends. My demeanor says welcoming sometimes and my sarcastic responses are not always biting, but I just don’t seem to convince the world of my intent. In my younger years, I assumed that my smattering of loosely held friendships were just an artifact of my strained ability to maintain relations with intellectual inferiors and went about my life with no regrets. Those years having gone, I realize now that my lack of practice with friendships has left me unable to convince my peers that I am friendly. I’ve tried shouting it (I’m fucking friendly!!!), declaring it (I’d consider being your friend…), and even demanding it (we will be friends!). In all, I’d say that the results are less than satisfactory and I’m left wondering why I even bother trying.
I’m told that for individuals like me who have difficulty persuading humans of friendly intentions, there is always the possibility of forcing those intentions on an innocent, well-meaning dog. I intend to put this theory to the test and go rescue a mutt from the humane society and convince this animal that, while I am his superior, I am still friendly and would like to be his friend.
Now, how do I train a dog to leave me alone?