Month: March 2019

We’ve all been there before: finished reading the Twilight series for the sixth time and while dreaming of sexy vampires, you wonder what could possibly be next on your reading list? Let’s start by eliminating some of the obvious low hanging fruit. You’re certainly not going to read any of the latest memoirs or political screeds because you’re far too busy for such nonsense and I think that we can all agree that books like those are for retired people (emphasis on tired). Next to cross off is the romantic novel genre. Sure, that one series of books where a guy beats up his favorite lady and she can’t get enough had a good run and it seemed super empowering to say that you were fond of porn lit. If Ayn Rand were around, then she’d certainly have privately read the series a couple times herself and may have even penned a few fan fiction tomes bringing Howard Roark back to whoop some fair damsel’s ass unapologetically. Oh, and lastly, while we brought up Ayn Rand, let’s go ahead and cross off “The Classics.” This includes the objectivist herself, Nathaniel Hawthorne, Shel Silverstein, Herman Melville, Charles Dickens, Stephen King, and any other self-important pompous sounding author whose books are only available in hard copy with a collector binding.

So what does a discerning person like yourself read who needs to show not only that you do read, but also that you read better (lest we forget the Rhinestone way!)? May I suggest that you turn to a boring-ass biography? Now, before you fall asleep, let me remind you that what you are currently reading speaks volumes about you and wouldn’t you like those volumes to say things like studious, mysterious, classical (not that kind of classical), and other classy adjectives? The beauty of this system of reading (the Rhinestone method) is that you can be reading a flour-dry biography like Grant (Ulysses Grant, duh) while you’re instead reading whatever you actually feel like reading such as the latest brilliant (yet controversial) book by Amy Schumer or whatever; use your damn imagination. You always need to have one title of a boring-ass biography handy, so the only real struggle in this system involves learning the titles and names of the boring-ass individuals that these boring-ass biographies endeavor to document. You can rest easy knowing that no one would ever dream of reading a biography like Grant, so you can make some random crap up and you’ll be credible with no effort in the slightest. Just remember to keep it light and believable and always remember to remind everyone around you loudly that you prefer to read about a person in an honest to goodness book because you always learn more than any nonsense that’s written on Wikipedia.

I’m currently reading a biography about Percy Shelley and I can tell you that it is riveting. He seems like he should be quite the romantic based on his writing and while his amorous pursuits were definitely noteworthy, he just really desired a quiet life as a homosexual man in the country and he tried to fill that void with women, drinking, old timey drugs, and wild car races. All of it eventually caught up with him after that particularly bad accident. You’ll note that I’ve left you with a question you can’t realistically hope to respond to with anything other than a nod of the head and a knowing cluck. After all, who the hell knows who Percy Shelley is or what he (she?) did. You may call me a monster, but even Frankenstein could appreciate the brilliance of this system and would be quick to utilize it at parties and would be selling more houses than anyone else before you knew it.

It may come as no surprise to you that stretching is part of a successful Rhinestone Realtor’s© daily regimen. As a true believer in fitness, appropriate diet (lose weight through less eating!), and consciousness (you’ve probably never heard of it), I strive daily to ensure that all of my ligaments, cartilage, and other unpronounceable bits are supple and youthful. Let’s be honest, no one wants to buy a product from an ugly person, much less a purchase as important, and costly, as a house. My daily stretching routine is always a precursor to an extended session on the elliptical machine with an appropriately large mirror on the side so I can ensure adequate notice from other gym residents. I set my phone to record video and then ensure that I am properly framed while going through a variety of half-assed yoga poses, exaggerated hip spreading, and various other moves while maintaining an absolute disregard for everyone around me. That last part is vital to ensure that folks understand that I’m serious.

I know that exercise is not for everyone and that sometimes it is a struggle. I have on many occasions battled with a powerful thought while driving into the lot to go work out. The engine is just idling while I sit quietly at the crosswalk contemplating the idea of slamming the accelerator to the floor and hitting as many gym bros as possible before launching off the curb on the other side and just driving off into the sunset. Believe me, once you’ve imagined it in your head, it feels like you have to try it just once.

But I digress. Everyone should remember that before any random acts of violence, you should always get in a good stretch. You’d hate to pull a hammie while dropping the hammer.