Posted on

Velvet Boots Bitches

Full body velvet?  You’re damn right.

That’s right folks.  It’s time.  Now is definitely the right time to make mention of the secret weapon that I reserve for special occasions like the second Monday in August or a particularly dry Tuesday in January.  Some may say that velvet has a special place in art and relegate it strictly to likenesses of tigers or loving renditions of Elvis captured in the middle of a wicked hip shimmy that will make your teeth sweat.  I disagree.  I say that velvet art extends beyond the semi-2 dimensional plane and belongs to the firm calves of a Rhinestone Realtor®.  If you’ll refer to the photo on the left, then you’ll get an idea of the type of aggressively fierce ladies who are dedicated to the passionate drama and paradoxical nature of velvet.

These boots are meant for business

Sometimes a Rhinestone Realtor® will find herself in a situation that leaves her no choice but to throw down velvet style.  Such situations include the following: you wake up late on Monday morning and realize that you forgot to switch the wet laundry from the washing machine to the dryer on Sunday night because you may have been up late preparing last minute lease renewals that were due the previous week but you totally forgot until Friday night at 5 PM.  Far be it from a Rhinestone Realtor® to work late on Friday night because Friday night belongs to the stars and let’s face it, as a Rhinestone Realtor®, I am most definitely one of the brighter lights in the constellation.  Consequently, Sunday night was simply the earliest that I could get to it.

In tight spots like the one I’ve described, lesser agents might resort to a pair of leggings and a frumpy frock with a messy hair bun.  This is totally inappropriate though.  I prefer to go daring and grab my burgundy velvet boots and put some Queen on the boombox while finishing my look.  Be sure to wear the best pair of clean bedazzled jeans you can find and pair those with a sassy tunic or sweater depending on the season and don’t forget your badass aviator shades to fill out the look.  Now, you can strut into the office while barking orders on your phone and no one is wise to your laundry emergency.  Tenants will cringe at the sound of your boots swishing into the lobby to “discuss” their security deposit dispute and will be ready to run for the exit before they’ve even launched into their twentieth description of their home prior to their move in and how it was filthy when they  moved in and a straight up model home when they moved out.

Velvet is not for every day, but it is definitely for every Rhinestone Realtor®.

Posted on

Pooping in Other People’s Homes

There are a number of reasons why real estate agents have the best job.  These reasons do not include texting clients at 9PM on a Sunday night while trying to finish a bag of Cheetos and being coerced into writing a purchase contract at 10PM after finishing the bag and going through most of a bottle of white zin.  On a side note, text messages, while annoying, have turned out to be an amazing tool for agents.  We can watch Fifty Shades of Grey while eating a box of drugstore chocolates and consume a fifth of vodka and still manage to correspond with our text happy clientele!  This seems like a good time to point out to potential clientele that text messages after 7 at night are cool, just don’t assume that those text responses are an invitation for an actual person to person phone call.  You’ll only regret that decision.

Anyway, agents definitely have some reasons why they hold good jobs, never mind what Barb told you while sobbing into a beer at Chilis.

One of the primary reasons why agents have the best job is the access to other people’s bathrooms.  I challenge you to point to a corporate office job that offers access to a throne room in which you may drop a private deuce without any gentle coughing from the next stall over where someone is “politely” trying to encourage you to perform a courtesy flush.  I need no courtesy flush in that 3 bedroom Tudor with a private master bathroom.  All that I need is to casually wait until my clients have grown weary of a particularly ordinary home.  I will announce that I’d better do a walk through and just double check that the windows and doors are all locked and after they’ve excused themselves to go out to their car to answer a fake phone call and wait for me there, I will stroll confidently into the master bathroom and besot the freshly scrubbed bowl at my leisure.  It’s wonderful.

This luxury does not, however, come without a fair share of risks.  Top of the list of these risks is my client becoming impatient with their fake phone call and returning prematurely to the home to assist with “locking up the home.”  Now, this situation is precarious, but is usually mitigated by the simple application of a few strategically closed doors that have objects leaned up against the other side.  With these early warnings in place, the pooping agent is usually more than adequately prepared for an intruder.  Occasionally, a clever client will sneak in through a back door and surprise me.  In one instance, I was pooping comfortably and had, in fact, completed the operation and was waving the bathroom door back and forth in a futile attempt to clear out some of the noxious fumes.  To my surprise, my client rounded the corner and after a quizzical look and a cock of the head, he said nothing and merely turned around and walked out like he’d not seen nor smelled anything.

One of the other reasons that agents have great jobs was alluded to earlier: drinking on the job.  I must say that nothing limbers up my mathematical creativity better than a few glasses of whatever alcoholic beverage is handy.  With all of the digital contracts that we have available now, there is also no risk of a whiskey ring showing up on the signature page.  We’re just living the dream.

Working as an agent definitely has perks, but you won’t meet a group of people more motivated by some free shit.  You may have heard it said that fresh baked cookies on the counter are a great way to coax buyers into making positive emotional connections with your home.  I say that fresh baked cookies on the counter are a great way for me to keep my blood sugar up to make it through that late Sunday afternoon showing when I’d much prefer to be at home sleeping soundly in my La-Z-boy recliner.

As a state regulated industry, we are required to attend continuing education.  In spite of the rigid enforcement, we agents still require motivation.  As such, the class sponsors know that they’d better have free food and/or drink at these classes or we’ll just end up sleeping through a course on the internet.

If free stuff, drinking while working, and pooping in other people’s bathrooms sounds appealing to you, then just remember that all this (and more!) awaits you *if* you can pass the state licensing exam and find a way to skate past the background check.  Good luck!

Posted on

How Dare You!

Look, I know that you’re a friend and all, but we’re about to fight.  When you told me that you were thinking about selling your house at that party last Christmas, I totally called dibs on listing your house and I even think I said so, to you, in those exact words.

I’m not one to be petty, but I think that after you listed your home with Deb instead of me and then had the audacity to purchase a new home using Deb as your broker, you owe me.

You should just be thankful that it is summer right now and that I’m busy or we might have some real problems!  As it is, all can easily be forgiven if you simply send a written apology that denounces your relationship with Deb and include a check for half of what you paid Deb.  I’m sure that Deb will happily refund that to you when she hears that you and I were totally discussing this move before she even got her license.

Let me just finish by reminding you that my business relies on referrals.  If you know of anyone who is looking for a house or may be interested in selling their current house, then please give me a call!